Many men in recovery have a tough time being open-minded and honest when it comes to their feelings and addiction. Shame is a contributing factor, but there may be more entrenched reasons.

Most men on this earth have been raised with a set of beliefs that may cause men to suppress their feelings and individuality to fit in. In recovery, however, these ideals can hinder your ability to change and grow.

Why Are Men So Hung Up on Masculinity Ideals?

So much of the way we conduct ourselves has to do with social conditioning and cultural expectations. While the world is changing around us rapidly, most cultures still have unspoken rules for men and boys. For many generations, young men were taught that toughness and stoicism are core parts of being “a real man.” These views often keep men from getting help for mental health and substance use disorders. A study in the UK found that almost 40% of men have never spoken to another person about their mental health.

Hypermasculinity and the Manosphere

The new hypermasculinity movement—sometimes called the “manosphere” or linked to concepts like “alpha male” culture—has taken off in recent years online. These types of movements create unrealistic physical expectations for men, such as developing large muscles and eating a carnivorous diet to become as tough and “swole” as possible. They are unhealthy, cause isolation, and can even be a source of violent behavior and aggression, which are things that are at odds with healthy feelings and behaviors.

Why is it so harmful? While hypermasculinity tries to present itself as empowering, it often ends up reinforcing harmful stereotypes that hurt both men and those around them. Young men believe they’re not attractive if they don’t meet impossible physical expectations, and they are also taught that emotions outside of anger are negative and meant to be ignored at all costs. This is a problematic way for anyone to cope with modern life. Emotions are an important part of being human and can help positively guide your behavior.

What Are Some Common “Man Rules?”

“Man rules” around emotions and sharing often come from what are considered to be societal expectations about masculinity. Here are some of the common “rules” that guys are often taught.

• Stay Stoic: Don’t show weakness, pain, or vulnerability. Look strong and in control.
• Don’t Cry: Crying is seen as a sign of weakness or being “unmanly.”
• Be Self-Reliant: If you have a problem, fix it yourself. Handle your problems without help.
• Anger Is Fine, Sadness Is Not: It’s more acceptable to express anger than sadness or fear.
• Emotions Are for Women: Showing deep emotions (especially love, fear, or sadness) is often considered “feminine.”
• Don’t Seek Help: Therapy, counseling, or talking about feelings is often stigmatized as a sign of failure.

The “man rules” can be damaging, leading to bottled-up feelings, mental health struggles, and difficulties forming deeper connections. Thankfully, things are starting to change as more men are encouraged to be open about their feelings and break down these old stereotypes.

New Man Rules for Recovery and Healthy Living

The truth is that men can be whoever they choose, and they certainly don’t have to live with a heart of stone to have a fulfilling life. Many men in recovery have found quite the opposite! Regardless of what you are wearing or if you choose to lift weights or make pottery, you’re just as much a man as the next guy. There is a freedom in letting go of stereotypes and beginning to be the man you are meant to be – yourself!

Discovering this freedom in recovery can be liberating. You don’t have to follow any rules for your gender to be happy. However, if you’re looking for some new man rules that break stereotypes and encourage healthy living in recovery, let’s turn those other rules on their head:

• True Strength Is Being Real: Being tough doesn’t mean hiding what you’re going through. Speak your truth and let people see the real you. It takes courage to be honest about your feelings.
• Tears Are Part of Healing: Crying isn’t a weakness; it’s a release. Let your emotions flow when they need to. Allowing yourself to cry means you’re letting go of what’s weighing you down.
• Lean on Your People: You don’t have to handle everything alone. Asking for support doesn’t make you any less capable, it just means you’re smart enough to know that connection makes you stronger.
• Feel and Acknowledge Emotions: Sadness, fear, joy, and anger – they’re all part of being human. Don’t limit yourself to just one way of coping. Let yourself feel everything so you can truly heal.
• Emotions Are Human, Not Gendered: Being open about love, hurt, or fear doesn’t make you less of a man. It shows that you’re confident enough to own your emotions and let them shape you in positive ways.
• Seeking Help Is a Power Move: Reaching out to a therapist, support group, or a friend is a sign of strength and commitment to growth. Real men know when to ask for a hand to get back on their feet.

Getting sober is an powerful life decision that can help you become the best man you can be. You’ll find that other men in recovery are redefining what masculinity means for themselves. The only expectations about manhood you need to meet are the ones you set for yourself, and they are not set in stone. Everyone changes in recovery, and there is room for you to evolve.

The best examples of being a good man are all around you in recovery. If you’re struggling with your self-esteem or self-worth, others have been in your shoes. Speak up and ask for help, and you’re sure to get a lot of great suggestions along the way. Recovery is a day at a time, and so is defining who you want to be. Don’t be afraid to make your own “man rules.” It’s up to you to define who you want to be in recovery.